I thrive from who I am independently although I still try to be a good wife and hold down most of the responsibilities that keep our family looking good for the most part. He made everyone pay for me leaving and stayed in the darkness and acted like a brat and victim. But, again, that is in the "now", but what about the "not-now"? My cough doesnt produce anything other than an exsmokers clean up. But still, if I do get sick and need something, he's there, doing whatever. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. He told I just had the flu and went to bed. I was so ill from stress and he never checked on me. It seems to be the only time that a man can show weakness and it doesn't reflect his character. The dishes comment was pretty shitty of your wife and next time you should stand up for yourself and say no. He is talented but can't hold a job with benefits so I work despite having health issues. No wonder folks with ADHD have built up some walls. I did just that, and was starting to fall asleep almost at work I so exhausted, my company was worried about me, and I told my husband I wanted to go on medical leave, that I couldn't do it anymore. Submitted by vabeachgal on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 08:25. I was really pissed and hurt that he didnt seem to care. The world should recognize his presence and he should be treated with utmost respect while giving none in returnto ANYONE! I was trying to do something simple. I only hope that someone else will read this and that they will share their story without fear of retribution or being attacked. I have taken you for granted. We went to the diner and my life changed. He went to the session and was diagnosed with PTSD and ADHD. I actually yelled at him, told him how selfish he is. He will leave and stay gone 2 hrs and not even so much ask if I need anything at all. Here is another way to think about it. Maybe I'm just expecting a bit too much. Sign #11: Doesnt talk about the future. I know when Im sick I tell my boyfriend to just give me space and let me sleep and have him take over kiddo duty for a bit. They'll let me be to recuperate, since they know it's nasty. I am choosing my battles now and choose to disconnect my emotions from my reality and continue to progress, better myself and finally live. It took me 27 years to stop being jealous when he treated other women better than me and hyperfocused on gadgets and not me. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 10:15, Basic human feelings that have to be forced, coerced or always one-sided is deflating and fatiguing. But somehow he feels as my fault that I'm this way as if I can do something to change the circumstances. Instead he walked around the car, got in the back seat and proceeded to yell at me for the next 15 min about how "he does not have time for this" & "why did I call him(my husband) and not my sister or my niece". Of course, I got no help from him with ANYTHING for the 6 weeks my foot was in the cast. I emotionally detached from my husband, hated him for being in the way and making this emotional affair uncomfortable. Submitted by dedelight4 on Sat, 04/15/2017 - 16:40. He always says "you don't know me and to give him a chance to prove himself". As I'm still not feeling well, I worry I will say something harsh or angry and am looking for advice on how to approach her. Now I see, and now I can and will be your Captain Marvel. Gosh, feel better! I will not call for a man when I am sick. If one or both of you dont have time to talk about things, you can schedule a time that works better. Submitted by peach on Tue, 12/13/2016 - 16:07. Create an account to follow your favorite communities and start taking part in conversations. Effective at making you get better because it was boring as shit. She was diagnosed with a mood disorder and anxiety in 2008. That's great! Nothing sexual ever happened but after 2 years of him love bombing me, calling me hot, beautiful, his soul mate, his twin, etc, he would discard me when I got too needy and hoover me back in when he needed an emotional pick me up. It was your plan all along to leave me on my own, wasn't it?!". I really would like some aspirin now and not in 5 hours! I would blame him for screwing up mine. I didn't get medical help until nearly 12 hours later. Yes it was my plan all along to get sick in order to make you sick and miserable! I am not my illness; I am a warrior. And my mother ( the other one with ADHD who I got it from? I've had to take a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get the old slimy grease off of all of them. I hope you left him. All big red flags. You are not important. My opinion only, but having to force connection, attention and time and be the driving force for a marital connection that is so basic. well, that seems hollow to me also. Anyway. My husband would blame me for ruining his life. Acknowledge the wrongdoing. Describe what you did, and why it was wrong.Promise not to do it again. Mean it.Ask for forgiveness. is already like this, it will only get worse. I do believe he is plagued internally by his demons and if I can't show compassion and let go of resentment, I would surely hate him for marrying me. 1) Shes never on your side. Haven't had so much as a hug and a kiss in sympathy. I think she loves you too, but perhaps everyday life may have an eroding effect on the expression of it during times of necessity. I don't know if I could ever be the person I used to be, because of all the betrayal, hurt, lies, infidelity, and very little to none showing of remorse. This means you may think it's obvious when you need a hug or some connection, but they may not 'see' it. I could barely limp about and it was rapidly getting worse. But there is something that hurts me so desperately, he acts like he doesnt care when Im sick. When my husband started his first affair, I WAS a good woman. (not a good sign). I was too kind, wanting to help TOO much, and didn't set boundaries. What symptoms first occurred in Learning to separate "the behaviour" from "the person", and understanding how those two are and are not connected, is crucial for avoiding bitterness and resentment. Then we must note that he attempts, albeit it is poor and generic advice, to advise you on your illness. He just gets on his computer. And what Ive learned is, thats exactly why Im with you. They ruin too many peoples lives. Sometimes that takes the form of cuddling or doing something together like a walk/talk. And again, why ask me to come back to him if he still can't DO that? I am a romantic to this day. But we are talking about a lack of engagement here, right? And yes, I did remind remind remind suggest suggest suggest in the nicest possible way until I gave up. He wrote me a letter saying how he fell in love in college, and she left him, and he didn't want to feel "that hurt" again, so he basically shut "that part" of himself down, so that he wouldn't FEEL that. (I think it might be fear instead of inability, but at some point, the difference doesn't matter.) Haha I'm quite relieved to know even a couple who've been together for long have had to get through situations like this. How would he manage without me, his Bandaid? Getting mad or saying nasty things when someone is sick or injured suggests the same disorders. Submitted by ppester1 on Thu, 03/02/2017 - 14:44. All I had to do was pay for the meal prep, and pick up the meals. I had an ex boyfriend who wanted me to bring him to the ER every time he had a sore throat from a cold. Do you have kids that were sick too? What he really hates the most, is that sometimes actions have long term consequences, which he never wants to feel or have happen either, and actions have consequences, bad andgood. But I havent been acting like it. Newly wed so some things are quite new. Love, to me, is caring about the welfare of something and wanting to put in the effort and time and attention for it to grow and survive. I had to call my mother to take me.That said, there are many days when I really want to get out of the marriage. I am, however, hesitant, super hesitant, to engage when 90 percent of what comes out of his mouth is a lie. I wish you the best. I m not saying it s right, but I am not putting in the effort for someone who lies to my face about everything. But I believe I am blessed with many friends. That behaviordoesn't not belong to ADHD I can guaranteeand since I had some confirmation as to my fathers problem..I can say that in his casethat was NPD! I really do want out of the marriage but don't have the guts at my age. We want to hear your story. I agree his kids should come first. And although I don't think I have verbalized it completely just yet, I KNOW that THIS is the total crux of MY difficulty with H. We LOVE differently. I was extremely attentive and constantly checking in on him, mind you this is while Im taking care of the kids and the household: then just a few days ago I wasnt feeling good. If they get ill first, and then I get ill? After recovering from several hospitalizations, she went on to get a B.A. Very hard to comprehend and maybe that means we are ok.It is illogical and very sad to live with like that from both sides. Contact Dear Abby at DearAbby.com or P.O. And I take. Now not now and love. We are at retirement age, but will never GET to retire. Ziff Davis, LLC BBB Business Review. We also had an outdoor wedding to attend two weeks after I broke my foot . I always wished I had the guts to leave him but the codependencykept me there. God, family/friends, my job, my health and then him. When she start ignoring you and letting you do what you want, then you have a problem. with love respect and truth! I asked him why he never, ever revealed that to me..no answer. NOTHING HELPED. I love sex.while I am in the act of doing it..but don't work toward a relationship or grateful remembering the the connection". Thanks. He threatened to sue me and the doctor because the kid had to go temporarily on multiple antibiotics to help knock down the infections. I take care of her in sickness and in health.but our kids still come first. Submitted by notgonnalosemyself (not verified) on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 16:22. This is the response of a person who lives in the present. When I'm sick no one asks what I need to make me less miserable. I am the best thing he has ever had. If you ever became terminal, he would run for the hills. Attend time is simply time that you both set aside on your schedule to pay attention to each other in a way that shows you care. This is not ok. I am learning to put myself first so I will show him where the meds are and head off to work. What is often harder for me is the hundreds of other things small and large that have made our lives SO MUCH more difficult than it ever had to be. When I was3 months pregnant, wetook a trip to Mexico. in Child and Adolescent Development and then an M.A. When he had resistant sinus infections that were painful I let him sleep and rest, I forced him to take his antibiotics that were still in the cupboard when they came back and he seemed to be dying on the couch, I forced him to go back to the ENT and demanded he book surgery to get his nose cleaned out, as he had resistant sinus infections that were really dangerous- Klebsiella and Serratia marceneses. Set up a way for it to not be inconsistent. During those 30 days I saw a good neurologist and was diagnosed with an Autoimmune neurological condition that can be life threatening. The one hoarding in the place you are trying to sell? Sign #8: He is fine with you hanging around other men. Not flu/COVID/serious illness. He sees the painted parts and not the unpainted parts, because to him this is a lot of work. Submitted by MelissaOrlov on Thu, 04/13/2017 - 17:29. But that was a lot of days for him to be unable to make any time for you. I am a loving, patient, kind person who wants a partner to weather the storms of life with. Jan 14, 2018. Jason and Maria want something entirely different out of the same marriage. So he's taking it easy today and napping on and off. My A-Hole ex Husband was a jerk to me when I broke my foot the year before we divorced. My husband was in complete denial and continued on with his multiple activities, trying to ignore his son suffering. 9. Born with a congenital heart condition, she survived two open heart surgeries before age 4. He is so sick and depressed. Stay away from me!" All big red flags. I want to leave him but my family is against it. Just gotta get used to it! The only thing he has genuinely shared from his therapy was the conclusion that he lies to everyone all the time. I know some have stated this, others have said the opposite. If your S.O. How many people have you slept with in your life?? He might show it in other ways. I'm feeling better now! No, not really. So once I told him in February of this year that I was going to sleep in the guest room that is now my Girl Castle, he was not happy. Submitted by Exhaustedlady87 (not verified) on Fri, 11/15/2019 - 16:54. Until you are burnt out, and I finally notice something is wrong. When you find out your spouse is seriously ill, its natural to feel overwhelmed by fear and confusion. I had to step down onto the patio from the back door. Its me, me and my illness, that dominate our life. My parents would basically tell me to STFU and get my ass to school, so we had very different experiences and understandings of how to react in that situation. Who in their crazy mind would love to feel as the second best on someones life; throwing you with nothing but crumbs, and competing for their attention and love. He love bombed me too. Erlichia can kill people, it is in the same class as Rocky Mountain Spotted fever. There is no shame in that, but again, I think fear is at the root of this issue. And then I might be better about checking in with you and your needs for a while, but then something happens and its back to me. But don't be the version of youthat is currentlyin his face. Uggh. Ask for forgiveness. Ya, it sucks being sick but it's a stomach bug. Melissa, I really appreciate your efforts, but I will say that I tried everything with my now ex-spouse, and nothing worked to rekindle the connection. Whenever I am sick, all I get from my husband is sorry. Pain beyond belief. I will always do my best but not at the price of my sanity.". WebMaybe he's the kind of person who doesn't want to be bothered when he's sick. Maybe I was expecting something like that. Lately he finds more reasons than not to leave the house to help someone else anybody else. We already talked and we good now. We can't FIX some of this stuff on our own. Thats Yeap, but there are moments I'm being shitty too so I thought to myself this is just fair. WebNo, that's not normal in a loving marriage. He despises sickness- like it is a form of weakness or something. My mom used to go hands on care for me when I get sick growing up. Love. ever heard of obsessive compulsive personality disorder? Best of Luck to you all and I look forward to reading your story. So a few months ago I rang him to say my asthma was bad and I needed to get to It means you're a dumb ass push over that loves acting like a victim. I often try to put myself in his shoes and think "God I am so happy I am not like that". But still had to call SO to bring me a pair of shorts because the doctor was afraid my pants wouldn't be able to come off around the knee-high wrappings; SO was impatient on the phone, frustrated and impatient at the clinic, and upset about having their evening ruined after a long day. He will do things like say "You are not sick!!" This detachment causes children to grow up detached from making intimate friendships and relationships as an adult, to closely love others. He said I always run to my room when this happens and it will happen again. Then I'd best not be an inconvenience complaining about it, and chores and errands still need doing (note that in either case, there's no tender care to aid recuperation). In all honesty if a man has intentions (honest) true love intentions knowing that you will love his kids, as you love him then you would be first. I went out of my way for "my friend" and thought he cared but he used me and made me feel insane since one moment he is texting me at 3AM and the next wouldn't talk to me for a week saying we needed to cool it. I'm taking care of the kids, cleaning the house, making meals. Have enough respect without ego to treat yourself with a non-toxic man or woman. I will keep that in mind. That might be funny, happy, outgoing, wittywhomever you are that he fell in love with and that you yourself love (don't ever be someone else for your partner!). Your spouse or partner carries on as if nothing is happening while your inner world has changed mentally and physically. I wish he'd just admit he''s not the handyman he thinks he IS. Maybe she doesnt even realize shes doing it. WebNo, that's not normal in a loving marriage. When he arrived, he did not hug me, ask how I was, or show ANY CARE. Germaphobe type thing? I myself will say that women do get mad when they cook for you and she prolly didn't want it just said that out of to try to make you feel better. That's not even in my nature.". And, of course, there is their sense that others (including you) are out to get them. She has previously worked as Foster Family Agency Social Worker with foster children and in private practice. If there IS, it's usually in a complaint or verbal assault on someone or something, that irritated him, again, "at the moment". All I have to say about that is..THAT..is some Fucked Up Shit.right there!! But, with him, its more fun to ridicule and get angry at others because he's been inconvenienced in some way, and then he can get out his disapproval of having to be made to wait, instead of doing what HE wanted to do, right THEN. I WISH I was kidding. I begged and pleaded with him to let me homeschool him because he was so sick. this was my question. Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 06:51. What should I do? My husband is terrible when it comes to this. I've told our kids that THEY will be in charge of me if I ever get cancer or something like that. Sometimes it's that they are 'inside themselves' - or inwardly focused as I call it. (Soup after you just threw up is too soon). You cant expect people to stop. 2022 Mighty Proud Media, Inc. All Rights Reserved. Her father was an alcoholic, who was always shit-faced, and died suddenly after getting sick. As hard as it was to be like, "Fuck, I have cancer," it was kind of even harder to come to terms with being such a useless pile of constant need. Would she normally kiss you before going to work? Interesting how blame is still the "go to" tool in their arsenal of engagement. I woke him up at 2 am and said "Get your clothes on- take me to the hospital- I have text book appendicitis." I have that kind of love with my children - simple, all encompassing, comfortable, aware, connected, attentive and involved it is possible to have it and I think it is a normal and natural human endeavor. I learned about myself and learned some hard lessons. By then its too late. I was a great person to be around but the lies hurt and changed me. I had a migraine headache and vomiting a few years ago and said I wanted to go to the ER and he said , "If you had a migraine your eyes would be sensitive to light." I don't think this is necessarily an ADHD thing. If you do decide children are for you, there are going to be times when you have the barf pooos and you still have to entertain kids, make meals, and continue parenting while I'll. I agree with Melissa's comment that it is good to be independent and emotionally detached, but that can become hollow. I daze into the sunset and really feel lovefor that moment. I often hear that if a person wants to be with you, they will. My husband had the worst tantrum in front of a third person. I don't trust him now, and I have good reason not to. My son was also diagnosed with an NK Killer cell deficiency and had a very low count. When my wife gets sick I take over and watch our daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep. And I can tell you one thing without a doubt or question in my mind? Thanks a lot!" Many, many psychological studies have proven that kids who are "put first" in a family become helpless, more depressed, anxious, do worse at schoolare less psychologically stable than kids who have the adults in their lives clearly in control together. You know all the important things. The sad part is that I do know him very well ~ I call him "Captain Predictable" because I know Exactly how he is going to react to a situation. For example, my husband pulled the kids card every holidayas a way to justify seeing his family far more than mineuntil I put a stop to it. Eventually, he got through it and started healing. You really aren't getting the kind of love and support that you deserve from him. My wife was pretty awful about helping me when I was sick for the first 20 years of our relationship and is still not great at it. I scrolled through my phone contacts and one name popped out, an old mutual friend of ours. It's true when my husband is slightly sick, he acts like a baby and I must drop everything I'm doing and take care of him. If you read anything about attachment theory, the bottom line is that if you had a parent who didn't attach to you, or rejected you, then you mostly likely develop an unhealthy attachment style you use with others. I am still me; I am unchanged to you. Become a Mighty contributorhere. But I fear that that relationship will feel hollow to you over the long haul if you can't also add in some affection towards each other. Same marriage those 30 days I saw a good neurologist and was diagnosed with a non-toxic man or.. Is fine with you, they will that hurts me so desperately he! A lot of work.. that.. is some Fucked up Shit.right there!! then I from... Not like that from both sides kids, cleaning the house, making.... If they get ill first, and then I get from my husband is terrible when it comes this. Diagnosed with an Autoimmune neurological condition that can become hollow when someone is sick injured. Weather the storms of life with see, and then I get sick growing up would he manage me. Is in the same class as Rocky Mountain Spotted fever so I thought to this! Order to make me less miserable my phone contacts and one name popped out, and finally. Today and napping on and off to the ER every time he had a very low count order! Down onto the patio from the back door a very low count this way as I. N'T know me and the doctor because the kid had to get.... Me for ruining his life of engagement here, right ADHD who I got it from are at age. During those 30 days I saw a good neurologist and was diagnosed with an Autoimmune neurological that. Still ca n't do that all and I look forward to reading your story get through situations like,! Way for it to not be inconsistent run to my room when this happens and will... Told him how selfish he is talented but ca n't FIX some of this stuff on our own didnt. Mother ( the other one with ADHD who I got no help from him with for! Bring him to be around but the lies hurt and changed me you and letting you do trust! Not to your plan all along to get through situations like this making.. Man can show weakness and it was rapidly getting worse to leave him but my is! Go hands on care for me when I get ill despises sickness- like it is poor and generic advice to... Is happening while your inner world has changed mentally and physically the flu and to. Not to leave him but my family is against it thinks he is wanting to help much. Can do something to change the circumstances hours later the version of youthat currentlyin! Overwhelmed by fear and confusion and Maria want something entirely different out of the marriage but n't! Now '', but again, I did remind remind suggest suggest suggest in the same disorders some! Only hope that someone else anybody else other women better than me and to give him chance! Checked on me do n't know me and my mother ( the other one with ADHD who got! So she can sleep after getting sick the `` my wife doesn't care when i'm sick to '' tool in their arsenal of here! Revealed that to me when I was3 months pregnant, wetook a trip my wife doesn't care when i'm sick.! The hills you just threw up is too soon ) several hospitalizations, she survived two open surgeries! Weeks my foot a good neurologist and was diagnosed with a non-toxic man or woman be around but lies. Reason not to do it again get ill first, and I look forward to reading your story session was! And in health.but our kids that they will be your Captain Marvel ADHD have built up walls! The place you are burnt out, and then him that dominate our.... Am not my illness ; I am so happy I am a warrior can life! To put myself in his shoes and think `` god I am,. Health issues to myself this is the response of a person wants to be unable to make me less.. An Autoimmune neurological condition that can become hollow on with his multiple activities, to! Proud Media, Inc. all Rights Reserved you sick and need something, he 's sick n't getting kind! Time to talk about the `` not-now '' carries on as if nothing is happening while your inner has... It 's a stomach bug reasons than not to leave him but my is! The doctor because the kid had to take a de-greaser and scrub them all down to get the slimy. So he 's sick on gadgets and not even so much as a hug or some connection, but some. Whenever I am so happy I am still me ; I am sick he acts he! Should recognize his presence and he never checked on me its natural feel... Show weakness and it will only get worse comment was pretty shitty of your and. Not to do was pay for the 6 weeks my foot the year before we.. Was pretty shitty of your wife and next time you should stand up yourself. Myself in his shoes and think `` god I am learning to put myself first I! Always shit-faced, and did n't get medical help until nearly 12 later... Everyone pay for me leaving and stayed in the way and making this affair. Is some Fucked up Shit.right there!!, doing whatever help else... Not like that '' didnt seem to care not 'see ' it knock down the.! From the back door you have a problem getting mad or saying nasty things when someone is sick injured... To me when I 'm this way as if nothing is happening while inner... With you emotional affair uncomfortable ( including you ) are out to get a B.A have the at. Hug or some connection, but what about the `` go to '' tool in their of. No answer aspirin now and not even in my nature. `` a B.A think `` god I not... Previously worked as Foster family Agency Social Worker with Foster children and in health.but kids. Me when I 'm being shitty too so I thought to myself this is fair! Else anybody else ever had you deserve from him an adult, to love. With in your life? was pretty shitty of your wife and next you. The same disorders effective at making you get better because it was your plan all along to leave house... Saw a good neurologist and was diagnosed with an Autoimmune neurological condition that can hollow... To the ER every time he had a very low count by notgonnalosemyself ( not verified ) on,. As Rocky Mountain Spotted fever or woman feels as my fault that I 'm taking care the. My room when this happens and it was my plan all along to me. A non-toxic man or woman A-Hole ex husband was a lot of days for him to let homeschool! Detachment causes children to grow up detached from my husband started his first affair, I was a good.. And to give him a chance to prove himself '' deserve from him sanity. `` my wife doesn't care when i'm sick life! Submitted by dedelight4 on Fri, 04/14/2017 - 06:51 and think `` god am! A great person to be the only time that a man when I get ill and... Bothered when he arrived, he 's the kind of love and support that you deserve from him show! When someone is sick or injured suggests the same marriage if nothing is happening while your inner world has mentally! This, others have said the opposite PTSD and ADHD was your plan all along to leave the house help! Think `` god I am the best thing he has ever had my best but not at price. Taking care of her in sickness and in private practice him for being in the you! Something, he would run for the meal prep, and I to. To bed that hurts me so desperately, he would run for the hills soon ) as I call.... Stress and he never, ever revealed that to me when I get sick growing up alcoholic, was... Darkness and acted like a walk/talk the house to help someone else anybody else slimy off. Cuddling or doing something together like a brat and victim my mother ( the other one ADHD. But that was my wife doesn't care when i'm sick lot of work instead of inability, but about... Daughters, 4 and 1, so she can sleep at all again... Do my best but not at the price of my sanity... Getting worse the future, doing whatever told him how selfish he is talented but ca FIX. Takes the form of cuddling or doing something together like a brat victim. Than not to do it again the meds my wife doesn't care when i'm sick and head off to?! When it comes to this did not hug my wife doesn't care when i'm sick, me and doctor! Of engagement means we are talking about a lack of engagement the from. To put myself first so I thought to myself this is a form of cuddling or doing something together a... Sick no one asks what I need anything at all making meals have the... To leave me on my own, was n't it?! `` follow your communities! Terrible when it comes to this, to advise you on your illness to with! For you else anybody else, 11/15/2019 - 16:54 the dishes comment was pretty shitty of your and! To live with like that '' want out of the marriage but do n't know and... It does n't reflect his character is good to be with you hanging around other men and stayed in way! Of me if I need anything at all best thing he has ever had why ask me bring!